Ever wondered why you could not write even when you were all ready, all prepped up? Ever experienced that very writer’s block? It is because you are having chaos. Chaos in the brain, chaos of neurons, chaos of memories, of flashbacks, of future worries—all messing up your present moment.

If the mentioned logic seems illogical or too chaotic, allow me to present some of the more “acceptable” form of chaos. Traffic? That honking of the cars, beeps of bus, yelling of people; absurd hard rock or some cheesy Bollywood song out of a car—all at once. Cliche?  Fine. Let’s go home, and you find your room is all messed up. Let alone your room, even the living room is not proper, and you know very well that you cannot blame the little one.  The only good thing is that your contribution to the mess (which is, you have not cleaned your room for weeks) gets camouflaged. In fact, this little messy chaos gets camouflaged by the greater urgency of nonstop high pitched yelling of mother, containing blame of incidents from a minimum of five years’ back! Pretty usual stuff, still chaotic.

Let’s imagine that even if you get to clean your room, and no one to yell at you, at all. No one to bombard tons of questions at you. Now, you start off to your work or school, stuck in the same traffic. That same honking of the cars, beeps of bus…(you don’t want me to repeat, do you?) You finally get to your workplace or school half an hour late. All cool? You are not that lucky! After all, even at school or work, those cynical, judgmental peers wait/everready for your one single mistake to attack you with their paws of judgmental and thorny comments. Yes, chaos here too! In fact, their one single bad mouth or even stare is enough to mess up your entire day with the same flashbacks and echoes. Chaos in the brain, knocks again!

Take a break.

Let’s go to wonderland. A day where everything is perfect. You are perfect. All good at workplace and back at home, you are all alone. All ALONE? The ALL and ONE might seem enough, but ultimately it is the emptiness that will become chaotic in no time. Even that perfectness throughout the day gets eclipsed in the chaos of emptiness.  You suddenly long for a high-pitched yelling, you miss the cheesy Bollywood song out of the car, beeps of bus. This chaos of silence and propriety can tear you apart too.

The mentioned situations are of everyday scenario, but we mostly fail to understand the chaos, until and unless we are out of it. It is obvious that there are two types of chaos-external and internal. Yes, certainly, the traffic, environment and even the hurtful comments, and mean eyes of those cynical ones are external as well. However, the battle of each moment, the struggle to fit in with the difficult world, and even to fit in with your own loneliness, own changing self fall in the internal chaos category.

Both are inextricably related to each other. These days, a lot of initiatives are taken to lessen this chaos. For example, in case of traffic, flyovers, good road plans are made, though people never get to see the single glimpse of “no traffic” myth! For the chaos of pollution, the environmentalists are almost putting their lives at stake (!) to decrease the global warming, pollution and what not. For the chaos of verbal pokes and rude behaviours? Nevermind!

As for the matter of internal chaos, the trend of meditation, yoga discussion groups of positivity, psychotherapy, counselling are the current hype.

I do not mean to sound sarcastic. I do respect that meditation increases the focusing ability and the discussion groups do spread positivity; and those visits to therapist are helpful too. But, will I sound too illogical if I say, that in order to beat the internal chaos, you first need to learn/achieve observance, acceptance, patience and empathy; yet standing for what is right, without extreme violence? Won’t positivity and peace come anyway? Who knows? Or, who cares?

Close your eyes. It/the chaos is still there. Like white noise. It is up to you, to end it right here, or go with the flow. Make your own mistake. Learn from it. Rise again. Stumble. it’s okay until you be the chaos for someone else.

Too messy?!

Chaos in the brain, knocks again. Told you!

– Tasneem Mahmood Chowdhury